BLESSINGS AND BATTLES

Being a mother again with a healthy baby was truly the greatest blessing of my life. I had hope again after death. Life seemed a little more normal again, as we think normal should be. Feeding my son without tubes was awesome. Hearing him cry was a blessing. Watching his little body behave without seizures was a miracle. Normal was good; I liked it.

Yet, I still had fear.

I struggled with my fear of having another baby die. I lost track of how many times a day I checked to see if my son was breathing. Just as when I was pregnant, I wanted my son to have a healthy environment in which to grow. So, I chose to trust God each moment I felt panic arise. (See my previous post about fear: https://www.comfortandmercy.com/blog.)

The devil loves to distract us from our blessings.

He would rather that I be afraid instead of having joy. His goal is to destroy me, to steal my joy, and to kill my relationship with Jesus, his mortal enemy. Fight the good fight of faith; take hold of the eternal life to which you were called, and you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses. 1 Timothy 6:12. We stepped into a spiritual battle the moment we were born. Satan fights to prevent us from loving the Lord.

Battles are hard.

I have never been in a physical battle, but my father was. He was a soldier stationed in South Vietnam during the war fought over freedom and communism. I watched, with the limitations of a young child, as he struggled with his battles from being in battle. He fought for normalcy, after being at war in a foreign country, back in his country that battled the soldiers instead of the cause. He struggled for acceptance and understanding.

God has promised us, from the time battles began on the earth, that He would fight for us.

The LORD will fight for you while you keep silent. (Exodus 14:14)

…for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you, to fight for you against your enemies, to save you. (Deuteronomy 20:4)

We are not alone while we struggle in our conflicts. We have the almighty Creator of this world who will engage in attacks against us.

I felt proud, after the death of my daughter, that God had helped me overcome my toughest trial and that I had overcome what was meant to completely tear me down and destroy me. I believed I had graduated from Tribulation College with my master’s degree. I could move forward in life with happiness from great circumstances.

Oh, bless my heart, as we say in the South.

I am so thankful that as humans we are not given the knowledge of the future. Had I known the day I began the labor to bring my daughter into this world what I knew just 24 hours later, I am not sure what I would have done. I would never have imagined that my family and I would have such despair. Wasn’t life supposed to be easy?

Yet, God doesn’t promise us an easy life. I just had not taken the time to truly understand what He says in His Word about our earthly life. Jesus said, “These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

Trials come, and more were ahead.

My husband, Slick, believed he was called by God to go to seminary after he became a Christian. He fought this calling for ten years. Finally, after our son was born, he applied to a Southern Baptist seminary without having an undergraduate degree and being previously divorced. Neither was an approved prerequisite for admittance to a Baptist seminary. Yet, he was approved to work on an Associate’s degree. So, off to Fort Worth, Texas, for him to attend Southwestern Theological Baptist Seminary. Our son was 10 months old.

Our first year of seminary was full of blessings. We found a nice duplex near the seminary. We both found part-time jobs. We connected with friends from college and made new friends. We went around Fort Worth like tourists. Assignments were completed, and two semesters accomplished. We also delighted in watching our little boy grow up. He was quite the gleeful entertainer and brought joy and laughter to our lives.

That summer looked promising. I had found a full-time job back with a federal agency I worked for prior to having children. Our finances were tight but sufficient.

However, the anniversary of Megan’s death was looming. That date had seemed to bring frustrations in the previous two years since she died. So, we planned ahead with a fun activity with friends in order to distract ourselves; but we had to cancel.

My husband was sick.

He ended up needing abdominal surgery to correct a kink in his bowel. The surgery went fine, and he began to recover. However, three weeks later, he still felt that something wasn’t right. Back to the doctor and back into surgery.

The doctor’s report was not what we expected at all.

He had renal cell carcinoma—Cancer! Metastasized.

Air was sucked out of us. No hope. Again.

Another battle.

Another trial.

Why?

How much more, God?

How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? (Psalm 13:1)

Fix this! You owe us, God!

But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD, I say, “You are my God.” (Psalm 31:14)

When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You. (Psalm 56:3)

I could only crawl, face down, to the feet of Jesus in that room.

The battle was His, not mine.

Again.