JOURNEY ON, WEARY ONE

Writing my story, that God has called me to do, has not been easy these days. My physical and mental energy has been depleted; much of it, I think, is due to my recently diagnosed heart condition which causes less oxygen to be delivered throughout my body. Our bodies were created by God to need that oxygen for life. Some days, my heart has a difficult time distributing that life-giving necessity. When I realize my heart needs help, there is a medication I can take that opens up my blood vessels to allow the oxygen to flow more freely. Unfortunately, the attacks and the medications I take also cause some fatigue. What a cycle!

Just like my physical heart, my spiritual and emotional heart became depleted and fatigued again. I remember back to when my son and I had arrived back in Texas after the death of my husband (where I left off telling you my journey). Grief, alone, causes so much fatigue. Life as a single parent with a four-year-old son had begun. Talk about fatigue!! Having walked the role of caregiver for my husband for almost three years prior to his death, and never truly resting from our daughter’s life and necessary medical attention, then giving birth again, and having a miscarriage, my physical, mental, and spiritual energy was completely depleted. There never seemed to be a moment of rest. Keep in mind that my mother and my father-in-law, both back in Arkansas, had cancer. I lived in a perpetual state of exhaustion while working a full-time job and being a full-time mother.

That perpetual state of exhaustion lasted for decades. It began to dissipate about two years ago when I began to just turn loose of things, situations, and people that I held too tightly for my own good. I needed to find some rest in the midst of life. I had never truly taken the time to understand what rest entails. How does one rest in the midst of life? Where does one go for rest? How does one sit still to rest a weary body? What is that rest that Jesus talks about in the Bible? I began to study, read, and research the many facets of resting.

Then, 2020! My life was bombarded by the enemy--physically, mentally, emotionally, relationally. Life was extremely difficult for 11 of the 12 months in 2020. While not wanting to end my own life, there were days that I told Jesus that I would be fine if He would just come to get me. I wanted to go home! I wanted to be done! There seemed, to me, to no longer be a purpose for me to continue here on earth. I was in a stagnant type of depression; I was just depleted. I was tired. Just like when I was a single parent of a young son; only this time I have 30 more years on my earthly mind and body.

At the end of 2020, I retired because I was re-tired. I retreated for the sake of myself. I truly wanted to know how to rest in the midst of my life here on earth.

My physical heart forced my body to quit being active. Many days, I literally had no energy to stand up or even lift my arm. So, I had to learn to cycle between taking the time to physically rest and, also, to build back strength in my muscles. I now have a trainer at the gym who teaches me how to have muscular strength which is extremely necessary for life. I want my heart to continue to beat and be able to do what God calls me to do.

To rest mentally and emotionally, I practiced something God taught me two years prior. “Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:6-7). My mental picture encompassed writing my anxiety on a rock and throwing that rock as far as I could toward God. He then picked up the rock with my anxiety on it and carried it for me. I thought back to a day when my son was whining about my parenting restrictions on him, yet, once again. I had finally had enough of the conversation and told him that “this is your lot in life. Deal with it.” So, I began to take my own advice to deal with my lot in life and allow God to take my worries, my sorrows, and my frustrations. I began to actually feel my brain and heart being healed and becoming lighter. Joy began to seep in little by little.

My mind, heart, and spirit have always needed God’s Word. I dived into the Bible once again. I held fast to His promises, especially those about His rest. I read that Jesus also became fatigued and needed sleep. He also spent time in prayer to His Father. So, if Jesus’ body, mind, and spirit needed those things when He lived on earth, then I must also need rest, sleep, and communication with the Father on a regular basis.

As my heart medications help the blood flow easier through my heart and body, God’s Word and the Holy Spirit are my help for an abundant life to flow.

So, now, I go to the Lord for His rest. “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:38

He encourages me to keep going. “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.” Galatians 6:9

Jesus gives me His example to follow, so I am not walking alone on an unfamiliar road. “For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps.” 1 Peter 2:21

So, like Abram in Genesis 12:9 (“Abram journeyed on, continuing toward the Negev.”), I, too, must journey on toward finding and completing God’s purpose for my life. I must continue to allow Him to open up my heart and flow through my life as an example to others of His grace, mercy, and love.

He has a plan for me. My heart is still ticking.