SINKING INTO THE PIT

Y’all, I’m just tired.

Physically. Working during the longest tax season gave me no time to rest. The Chinese virus and my workload kept me from seeing anything besides my house and my office.

Mentally. My brain cannot handle constant questions and talking. Too many words and I have to check out. Having bad news delivered, one instance right after another for weeks. Rejection by a loved one.

Emotionally. See above. No community. No breaks. No rest.

Spiritually. See above. I lost my joy. No time taken to soak in God’s Word.

I have been here before—too many times.

Death of my daughter. Cancer diagnosis of my husband. Cancer diagnosis of my mother. Cancer diagnosis of my father-in-law. Cancer treatment didn’t work. Promotion at work given to someone else. Cancer treatment didn’t work. Pay this bill now. Cancer treatment not covered by insurance. Death of my husband. Single parenting. Blended family put together. Grief. Anger. Heartache. Busy. Misunderstandings. Lost.

All shoved inside over and over and over and over.

My brain kept asking how much more. How much more can one person receive? How much adrenaline can one person’s body receive before shutting down? How much more?

Then, one day, I found out. Only so much. Then, the brain stops.

I could no longer function at the capacity I had been doing for the past 17 years at that point. I quit. I went back to bed, and I didn’t get up except when absolutely necessary. I didn’t go to work every day. I didn’t get dressed most days. I just didn’t. I didn’t want to live. I tried to quit living. Deep, way down deep, inside of me, was a love for a little boy who had already lost his father; and I couldn’t complete the attempt. I couldn’t harm my son any more than he had already been harmed. I couldn’t leave him an orphan.

I knew I needed help, but help was slow in coming. I had an appointment with a psychiatrist, but I had to wait several weeks because I had waited too long in scheduling the appointment. While trying to work one day, I just shut down and couldn’t stop crying. Dear friends took me to the psychiatric hospital. I checked myself in to allow someone to try to help me.

I hate going to unknown and unfamiliar places. Going to a place where I do not know the layout or the people makes me anxious. Overcoming this fear tells me now how desperate I was to find help.

When I was 11 years old, I spent the day being nauseous, vomiting, and feverish. My parents took me to the doctor’s office three times that day to find out why I was so sick. By the end of the afternoon, it was determined that I had appendicitis and needed surgery. I did not care how dangerous the surgery might be. I just wanted to feel better.

That is how I felt that day in the psychiatric hospital. I just wanted to feel better.

I was diagnosed with chronic major depression.

I would not get better by thinking happy thoughts. I would not get better by pulling myself up by the bootstraps. I would not get better by praying more. I would not get better by spending more time with the Lord. I tried all of these. I didn’t get better.

I spent a week in that hospital, going to therapy sessions, talking to doctors, taking medication—all while being terrified. I didn’t get better in that week. The only reason I did any of these things was to get OUT of that hospital. There were some frightening people with me in there. Mental illness can be very scary. It is hard to understand. It is hard to diagnose. It is hard to treat.

Major depression does not disappear in a week. Nor in a month, a year, or a decade. I still suffer from it. Cloudy days are tough. Being alone for too many hours is tough. Being with people for too many hours is tough. Conflict with someone is tough. People misunderstanding your illness is tough. Boredom is tough. Stress is tough.

There are days now I just want to quit again. In a conversation last week with a dear friend, who has gone through several difficult sorrows in the past few years, we both stated that we were okay if Jesus just came to get us now. We were not seeing much purpose in our lives. We’re old. Our children are grown. Why are we still here?

I now see I have a choice: I can keep doing what I am doing and continue to spiral downward OR I can do something to help myself.

How have I gotten through these past 20 years?

One moment at a time.

Sometimes, curled up in the fetal position in a corner. Other times, not.

Learning that it is okay to take care of myself instead of everyone else. Oh, this is tough for me. I have been taking care of people since 1984.

Focusing on what is really important. Housework is not one of my biggest priorities anymore. Making sure everyone likes me is not a priority anymore.

Letting go. Anger, bitterness, expectations, perfectionism.

Reading God’s Word. The best way. Filling my brain with truth.

Journaling my thoughts onto paper instead of destructive actions.

Writing and checking off a to-do list. Seeing what truly is a priority for my day.

Allowing other people to know that I am struggling. This one has taken me years and years to do. Telling my husband to get me out of the house—or get me home. Whichever one I need at the moment. Going to the grocery store to see that there is a world outside of my head. That’s pretty desperate, I know, but it works.

The second-best way for me is to pour my moments into someone else who needs help. There is always someone I can help if I just lift my eyes off of myself.

Today was one of those days. Remember, I’m just tired right now. So, the pity party began. I didn’t want to do what I know needs to be done.

I did them anything.

I read my Bible. I am doing an amazing study in Romans. There is a higher purpose for me other than to be depressed and self-centered.

Spiritual refreshment.

I finally took the time to take a walk in my neighborhood with one of my dogs. Someone smiled at me. My brain received some necessary serotonin.

Physical refreshment.

I took the medication needed to help squelch this illness.

Mental refreshment.

God sent a purpose for my time when a friend texted me with a huge need. A reminder of something He has called me to do.

Emotional refreshment.

My friend knows what I have been through these past six months. She has religiously checked on me due to a physical condition I have had for the past two months. She and I both know neither one of us needs too much right now.

But she needs help. So, we made a plan for us to accomplish one thing. Just one thing. We’re not going to worry about the second thing.

So, my mind is a little brighter this afternoon. My spirit is a lot brighter this afternoon. My body has a little bit of energy now. My emotions seem to be a little happier than they were this morning.

If you are suffering because of all the heartache you are dealing with and all the problems in the world, I pray that you choose someone close to you, grab their hand, and tell them you need help. Call someone. Let a professional help you bring up and treat what is destroying you inside. All you put inside will eventually come out one way or another.

Seek God’s truth to replace the lies in your brain.

If you are called, walk alongside someone when they are depressed. You may be the only person they see caring about them.

Life is hard. Let’s help one another.

“There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.” -C.S. Lewis

“For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.” Ephesians 2:10

“Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 5:9

“Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” Ephesians 4:32